BY KEN TAYLOR
All of us at one time or the other has, or will, experience a friend that has lost a loved one. We care, we want to be of help, we want to show we care, so, what do we do, what do we say?
I remember my first experience with death as a young boy. My grandfather passed away early morning of the heaviest snow night of the year. I have vivid memories of that experience over 50 years later. Two prominent memories are of my Father informing us of his passing and a comment my Grandmother received from a well meaning friend at the funeral service.
Being raised on a family farm we were very used to Dad’s 4:00 a.m. calling from downstairs “Boys, time to get up and go milk!” It was totally out of habit when Dad came upstairs and turned on our bedroom light and leaned over the bed and informed us of Pap Paws’ passing and that he had to go and leave all the morning chores for us to take care of on our own. That was a very solemn and surreal morning for my older brother and I.
At the funeral service my Grandmother had a moment of unrestrained grieving and a well meaning acquaintance hugged her and commented “I know just how you feel as I lost my husband also.” My Grandmother later confided that no one really knows just how you feel and her comment has stayed with me.
When offering condolences, there are plenty of things NOT TO SAY TO A GRIEVING PERSON; finding the right words can sometimes be hard. The following suggestions offer kindness and compassion. Sometimes you don’t have to say anything at all. When it comes to condolences, a hug or hand shake is often worth a thousand words.
1. “I’m so sorry for your loss.” This is short, sweet, heartfelt and most always welcomed.
2. “Please know that I’m here for you.” It never hurts to remind someone in pain of your friendship, no matter how close you are.
3. “You’re in my thoughts (and prayers).”
4. “I don’t know what to say, but I care.” Admitting you’re tongue tied about offering condolences is better than making a possible wrong comment.
5. “I can’t imagine what you’re going through.” Candor when you give condolence beats comparing your own stories.
6. “If you need someone to talk with, I’m here.” Provide a gentle opening for the person to share turbulent emotions, if desired.
If you want to be consoling and compassionate, avoid phrases like the following:
1. “At least he/she is not suffering any more.” This offers little condolence as the bereaved person may still be suffering.
2. “You must be strong.” (Or “God never gives us more than we can handle.”). Such statements may imply that it’s wrong to feel bereft, which is a perfectly natural response.
3. “I know exactly how you feel.” In fact, you can’t. Even if you’ve experience a similar loss, you’re not the bereaved person and you don’t know how they particularly feel.
4. “It’s been [six months, one year, etc.]; it’s time to move on.” People may never stop grieving for a lost loved one. Affixing a deadline to mourning is insensitive and does little to help people learn to live through their loss.
5. “At least he/she was old enough to live a full life.” How old would ‘old enough’ be?
6. “It’s all part of God’s master plan.” Etc. No mortal can purport to know God’s purpose. People who don’t believe in God might bristle at your presumption.
7. “You should let your emotions out or you’ll feel worse later.” It’s also normal for some people to not cry; not showing outward emotions doesn’t mean the person is grieving less or will have some kind of ‘delayed reaction’.
If you have other questions or would like to attend any of our bereavement meetings feel free to call Laura at 484-4748.
